by Priyamvada Nagar, Head Writer Content warning: This post discusses personal experiences with anxiety and mental health. 3:30 am. The clock strikes to 3:31am, 3:32am, 3:33am, and all you can hear is the ticking - not from the clock, but the one coming from inside you. Suddenly, a wave of emotions takes over you and you start to question every single decision you have ever taken and every single essay you have ever written. Every discussion post you couldn’t ace and every failed attempt at trying to win this race; this race called life as a student. Anxiety does not show up only when you’re alone with your thoughts, but it also creeps in on you when you’re out with your friends clinking to happiness, when you’re running in the park and stop for a breath, or even when you’re finishing an assignment just before the 11:59pm deadline. It has a million ways of showing up and every person experiences a different kind. I am just an ordinary student always seeking ways to nudge this feeling because “oh, I have an exam in three days, a social event in two days, a meeting today...” But my mind and body are wandering off at this very second trying to get in line with each other just so I could stop shaking my leg, biting my nails, in order to control my breath and put on my best game face because hustle is a part of life and this bustle in my head is hard to deal with. So, I nudge. I nudge this feeling away so hard that it becomes a ball of shoved emotions which are hard to gulp down with every sip of water. I nudge this feeling away so forcefully that even in the chaos around me there’s a sudden stillness within me, which is almost as funny as it is dramatic because I feel like the character in the movie of my own life who watches everything from the side window and closes the curtain as soon as something bad is about to happen, just to escape from it. I mark dates in my calendar with red ink which reminds me of opportunities missed. My friends call me an extrovert which reminds me of the number of times I practiced saying my order in my head before placing it just to always be in line with my ideal self. My parents, as amazing as they are, never force me to push myself harder than my limits but my internal self likes the feeling of becoming an overachiever. My internal self craves the feeling of accomplishing perfect grades and a long list of extra-curricular activities while my head battles the conflict of sleeping in to avoid everything. As students, we are always in a habituated state of discomfort wherein we try to nudge rather than solve. We are always working for that extra hour, or blaming ourselves for watching too much Netflix. Job opportunities, career graphs, 10 year plans decide our paths, but the stepping stones to those paths are like thorns which make us believe that the harder it is, the more rewarding it is going to be. I recently watched a movie which talks about how normal it is to take the easy path out, yet we are so set on taking the one with more obstacles just because we believe that it is the only way. I am just an ordinary girl who passionately talks about mental health and the importance of stopping to take a breath, but at the same time, I am also a person who constantly puts so much pressure on herself that it becomes hard to breathe every once in a while. Maybe this is why therapists also need therapists? Maybe this is why no matter in what form, what way, what day anxiety creeps up on you - you give in, not to the overwhelming feeling, but you give in to your ability of not being strong for a while. You give in to your instinct to sleep an extra hour or process your emotions properly or just exist in this chaos and give yourself a pat on the back. If I have learned anything from my experiences, it is that “two steps forward, one step back” is still one step forward. It is so important to seek help when you require it may it be through the assistance of a therapist or a loved one. While it may be exciting to take up new challenges, be sure you only do so when you are ready. Keep reminding yourself that everyone has their own path in life and your path to success does not have to be the same as anyone else’s. I promise you, you are not alone in this chaos, because even I am just a few steps away giving myself a pat on my back for just being, for just existing , for just taking this feeling and not nudging it away! Priyamvada is an undergraduate student at the University of Guelph, and a Head Writer on GetPsyched. Are you interested in submitting a post to GetPsyched? Make sure you fill out our submission form and send it back to us so we can showcase your ideas!
Edited by Nida Ansari.
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